“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to
give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
Can I just say it? I AM TIRED! Why? Because
I’m done with the outside impositions upon my being! I’m tired of the
expectations of everyone else and I’m about done with it all! I’m tired of the
people who tell me that I have to do this or I have to do that to be a First
Lady. I’m tired of the other people who tell me that I have to do this or have
to do that to be a “good” wife, or mother, or teacher, or whatever else they
think or FEEL I should be and do. I AM TIRED! I never asked to be a first lady
or wanted to be anyone’s “role model”. I am not the perfect hostess. I don’t enjoy
cooking or entertaining when I don’t feel like it. I DO NOT like spending time
with people I DO NOT LIKE! I don’t like phony people and the church is filled
with them. I can avoid phony people at work but I’m “supposed” to nicely
entertain and enable them in church. I don’t like to dress up unless I feel
like it. I like to be comfortable. I don’t like hats all that much because I
tend to get hot or a headache when I wear them too long. I don’t like high
heels because I’ve broken one ankle and the other foot so they’re not
comfortable. And truth be told, I don’t like being in church all day for the
sake of being in church ALL DAY! I’ve hit the wall and things are about to
change drastically in my life, and I pray that those who love me and are
closest to me understand, but…
For so many years I’ve done what everyone
around me wanted me to do. It started with my mom, then my teachers, followed
by my church and my husband. Then gradually over the years, I became so
discombobulated by the demands put upon me that I LOST MYSELF! I lost my hopes,
my dreams, and the vision that God gave me! I lost MY voice, the voice that was
uniquely ME, Liane. I stopped singing music that made me happy (Yes, some of it
secular. Ahhh! I know! You’re just appalled aren’t you? Lol!) I stopped writing
because I lost touch with the muse within me. I stopped dancing because people
kept sending me to Hell because of it. And I wasn’t trying to go there! I was
ALWAYS a talker because I’m a writer. I communicated my innermost thoughts and
feelings via writing but mostly talking, but nobody talked with me or listened
to me. At least, not those closest to me. I was told that I was too sensitive, too
needy, too clingy, just too…too…too MUCH all of the time! And I when I went to
church looking for love and acceptance, I was criticized and bullied into conformity.
I spent all of my twenties and thirties
living much of my life according to the standards of others. But every now and
again, I rebelled. I rebelled and rejected that image on so many occasions only
to retreat and subsequently resign myself to this existence because I was so
far from who I thought I’d become. I was so terrified I’d never find her again
that I’d lost my will to fight and at times, even go on. Some rebellions were
obvious to others, while some rebellions were inward and quite self-destructive.
In one or two cases, I was accused of rebellions and actions I’m not guilty of
but because I was so broken, angry, and lost I allowed myself to be perceived a
certain way and didn’t care what anyone else thought. I struggled with so much
of what my life was and wasn’t that I often contemplated suicide because I just
wanted the pain to end.
Ironically, through all of this turmoil,
brokenness and confusion, my one constant was the Holy Spirit speaking life to
me. Sometimes, He issued harsh warnings to me but was still there to Comfort me
even after my rebellious tantrums and bad decisions. Despite not wanting to be
in church so many Sundays, it was my worship that literally carried me through
my wilderness. No matter what was going on around me or in my life, I worshiped
GOD! I cried out, wailed, sobbed to Him for peace and comfort, and He obliged
me. As Psalm 40:1 (Amplified) states, “I waited patiently and expectantly for
the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry.” Now, I’m not sure how
patient I was, but I did expect God to somehow move on my behalf. I knew that
He not only heard my cries, but felt the rawness of my despair and the full
effect of my brokenness. The Lord knew my breaking points and quite often, too
often, sent an angel to encourage me, redirect me, chastise me, or empower me in
the midst of my valley. He heard my cry! And while it took me a long time to
figure it out, I finally realized it was God who created me, God who designed
me, God who gifted me, and God who knows what I’m supposed to do with this
life, these gifts, and this purpose.
Fast forward to December 28, 2012: Jeremiah
29:11 reminds me EVERYDAY what God has been trying to tell me for my entire
life, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to
prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. So, in
effect, my life, my purpose, and my plans are not determined, impacted, or imposed
upon me by anyone BUT God! It is God who knows my beginning and my end, not
people! It is God who knows why He gave me certain gifts and abilities and
determines how I use them, not people! I have limited myself long enough based
on the whims, moods, issues and inclinations of others! I will no longer just
be what people want. I will embody “the
who” and “the what” that God
desires of me. Now, this doesn’t mean I’m going to shirk my Godly
responsibilities that I already have. I am a woman of my word and I will see
them through. But, oh, will I ever relinquish, reject, and remove myself from
any and everything that I KNOW I do that’s not within my purpose! I’m not
wasting my time or my talent engaging in anything that takes time and energy
away from my purpose anymore. Because I realize that in order to define me, I
have to be the ME that God intended in the first place. And it is my prayer
that you find the YOU that God intended you to be. Only then will our true
purposes become clear and then the world will see the glory of God manifested
within His people! God bless you!
