Defining Me

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Can I just say it? I AM TIRED! Why? Because I’m done with the outside impositions upon my being! I’m tired of the expectations of everyone else and I’m about done with it all! I’m tired of the people who tell me that I have to do this or I have to do that to be a First Lady. I’m tired of the other people who tell me that I have to do this or have to do that to be a “good” wife, or mother, or teacher, or whatever else they think or FEEL I should be and do. I AM TIRED! I never asked to be a first lady or wanted to be anyone’s “role model”. I am not the perfect hostess. I don’t enjoy cooking or entertaining when I don’t feel like it. I DO NOT like spending time with people I DO NOT LIKE! I don’t like phony people and the church is filled with them. I can avoid phony people at work but I’m “supposed” to nicely entertain and enable them in church. I don’t like to dress up unless I feel like it. I like to be comfortable. I don’t like hats all that much because I tend to get hot or a headache when I wear them too long. I don’t like high heels because I’ve broken one ankle and the other foot so they’re not comfortable. And truth be told, I don’t like being in church all day for the sake of being in church ALL DAY! I’ve hit the wall and things are about to change drastically in my life, and I pray that those who love me and are closest to me understand, but…

For so many years I’ve done what everyone around me wanted me to do. It started with my mom, then my teachers, followed by my church and my husband. Then gradually over the years, I became so discombobulated by the demands put upon me that I LOST MYSELF! I lost my hopes, my dreams, and the vision that God gave me! I lost MY voice, the voice that was uniquely ME, Liane. I stopped singing music that made me happy (Yes, some of it secular. Ahhh! I know! You’re just appalled aren’t you? Lol!) I stopped writing because I lost touch with the muse within me. I stopped dancing because people kept sending me to Hell because of it. And I wasn’t trying to go there! I was ALWAYS a talker because I’m a writer. I communicated my innermost thoughts and feelings via writing but mostly talking, but nobody talked with me or listened to me. At least, not those closest to me. I was told that I was too sensitive, too needy, too clingy, just too…too…too MUCH all of the time! And I when I went to church looking for love and acceptance, I was criticized and bullied into conformity.

I spent all of my twenties and thirties living much of my life according to the standards of others. But every now and again, I rebelled. I rebelled and rejected that image on so many occasions only to retreat and subsequently resign myself to this existence because I was so far from who I thought I’d become. I was so terrified I’d never find her again that I’d lost my will to fight and at times, even go on. Some rebellions were obvious to others, while some rebellions were inward and quite self-destructive. In one or two cases, I was accused of rebellions and actions I’m not guilty of but because I was so broken, angry, and lost I allowed myself to be perceived a certain way and didn’t care what anyone else thought. I struggled with so much of what my life was and wasn’t that I often contemplated suicide because I just wanted the pain to end.

Ironically, through all of this turmoil, brokenness and confusion, my one constant was the Holy Spirit speaking life to me. Sometimes, He issued harsh warnings to me but was still there to Comfort me even after my rebellious tantrums and bad decisions. Despite not wanting to be in church so many Sundays, it was my worship that literally carried me through my wilderness. No matter what was going on around me or in my life, I worshiped GOD! I cried out, wailed, sobbed to Him for peace and comfort, and He obliged me. As Psalm 40:1 (Amplified) states, “I waited patiently and expectantly for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry.” Now, I’m not sure how patient I was, but I did expect God to somehow move on my behalf. I knew that He not only heard my cries, but felt the rawness of my despair and the full effect of my brokenness. The Lord knew my breaking points and quite often, too often, sent an angel to encourage me, redirect me, chastise me, or empower me in the midst of my valley. He heard my cry! And while it took me a long time to figure it out, I finally realized it was God who created me, God who designed me, God who gifted me, and God who knows what I’m supposed to do with this life, these gifts, and this purpose.

Fast forward to December 28, 2012: Jeremiah 29:11 reminds me EVERYDAY what God has been trying to tell me for my entire life, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. So, in effect, my life, my purpose, and my plans are not determined, impacted, or imposed upon me by anyone BUT God! It is God who knows my beginning and my end, not people! It is God who knows why He gave me certain gifts and abilities and determines how I use them, not people! I have limited myself long enough based on the whims, moods, issues and inclinations of others! I will no longer just be what people want. I will embody “the who” and “the what” that God desires of me. Now, this doesn’t mean I’m going to shirk my Godly responsibilities that I already have. I am a woman of my word and I will see them through. But, oh, will I ever relinquish, reject, and remove myself from any and everything that I KNOW I do that’s not within my purpose! I’m not wasting my time or my talent engaging in anything that takes time and energy away from my purpose anymore. Because I realize that in order to define me, I have to be the ME that God intended in the first place. And it is my prayer that you find the YOU that God intended you to be. Only then will our true purposes become clear and then the world will see the glory of God manifested within His people! God bless you!